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“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”
― Anaïs Nin

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Country Music Will Break Your Heart #3

College Football star turned Country artist Sam Hunt knows a thing or two about heartbreak. How could he not with that Georgia boy swagger and those Drake-esque vocal stylings? Let’s take a moment to oogle his beauty.

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*Sigh*

Musically, Hunt uses contemporary, genre-crossing features in combination with traditional country storytelling to create a classification of his own. The artist was inspired by the more universal soulful aspects of southern music included in country, soul, R&B, and Hip Hop categories. In fact the first time I heard the following track I felt that it was better labeled as Spoken Word poetry rather than country music, and I think that is because of compelling and familiar lyrics.

 

In “Break Up In A Small Town” Hunt relays the difficulties that come with, yup, you guessed it, breaking up while living in a small town. Even if you haven’t ever lived in a small town I think the story will resonate with you. With the ever-expanding closeness provided by technology/social media/globalization, the world is morphing into a variation of a small town. Whether your ex’s mailbox is 7 minutes from yours or your FaceBook keeps telling you that they might be “Someone You Know,” chances are you are going to feel the discomfort that comes from inevitable run-ins with their memory or personhood.

 

Stand Out lyrics:

She’s so far gone, she just didn’t go far

She was over me before the grass grew back where she used to park her car

She’s leaving those same marks in someone else’s yard

In someone else’s arms,

right down the road

But there’s only so many streets, so many lights

I swear it’s like I can’t even leave my house

I should’ve known all along

You gotta move or move on

When you break up in a small town

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eirlPtRZW8U

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Wake up alone

It’s okay in the day I’m staying busy
Tied up enough so I don’t have to wonder where is he
Got so sick of crying
Run around just so I don’t have to think about thinking
That silent sense of content
That everyone gets
Just disappears soon as the sun sets

This face in my dreams seizes my guts
He floods me with dread
Soaked in soul
He swims in my eyes by the bed
Pour myself over him
Moon spilling in
And I wake up alone

If I was my heart
I’d rather be restless
The second I stop the sleep catches up and I’m breathless
This ache in my chest
As my day is done now
The dark covers me and I cannot run now
My blood running cold
I stand before him
It’s all I can do to assure him
When he comes to me
I drip for him tonight
Drowning in me we bathe under blue light

His face in my dreams seizes my guts
He floods me with dread
Soaked in soul
He swims in my eyes by the bed
Pour myself over him
Moon spilling in
And I wake up alone

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He Can Only Hold Her

He can only hold her for so long
The lights are on but no one’s home
She’s so vacant Her soul is taken
He thinks “What’s she running from?”
Now how can he have her heart
When it got stole
So he tries to pacify her
‘Cause what’s inside her never dies

Even if she’s content in his warmth
She is plagued with urgency
Searching kisses
The man she misses
The man that he longs to be
Now how can he have her heart
When it got stole
So he tries to pacify her
‘Cause what’s inside her never dies

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Lucid Dreaming

I have vivid dreams. I also have a lot of nightmares. So I have vivid nightmares. This is not something I enjoy.

The other morning I awoke from one of these vivid nightmares after what seemed like 30 minutes of trying to escape from this dream. I’m also a lucid dreamer. I have vivid, lucid nightmares.

When I woke up I thought to myself, “Well today’s going to be a wash,” since it usually takes me the entire day to recover from the vivid, lucid nightmares, especially when they are about him.

This particular dream was one of the staples. I’m in Utah on a visit. I run into him and his wife. He later shows up at my aunt’s house where I am staying and we go for a drive. I apologize for the Nth time for breaking up with him that final time and say that I love him. He says that he still feels the same and that he is going to leave his wife and kid if I’ll have him. Up to this point the dream is emotional and dramatic but not traumatic. That comes next.

Once again, as if it’s the few weeks before his wedding and he is calling me asking me to give him a reason to call it off, I am stuck. The same anxiety and panic fill my body. I am once again overwhelmed by immobilizing fear. I don’t trust him. I can’t commit to him. I love him. I wont love anyone else the way I love him. I don’t want him to forget me. I don’t want him to be with someone else. I don’t want to make room for him in my life here. I don’t want him.

He waits for me to make a choice. I tell him that I don’t think I can give him what he wants. I cry as he gets out of the car. I cry as I drive to my aunt’s house. I cry as I wake myself up.

I never use my lucid dreaming ability to fly, like most people would. It seems that each time I dream this dream I use my lucid dreaming ability to make the same painful choice over and over, a punishment for my previous sins. I’m aware enough to know the reality of the suspended dream state. And the reality is that I don’t want to end up with him. The reality is that time and time again he wasn’t enough for me. The reality is that I’m done breaking things for this boy. Which is a good thing, right?

Then why do I feel so shitty?

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Melt My Heart To Stone

Right under my feet is air made of bricks
It pulls me down, turns me weak for you
I find myself repeating like a broken tune
And I’m forever excusing your intentions
And I give in to my pretendings
Which forgive you each time
Without me knowing
They melt my heart to stone

Each and every time I turn around to leave
I feel my heart begin to burst and bleed
So desperately I try to link it with my head
But instead I fall back to my knees
As you tear your way right through me
I forgive you once again
Without me knowing
You’ve burnt my heart to stone

And I hear your words that I made up
You say my name like there could be an ‘us’
I best tidy up my head I’m the only one in love
I’m the only one in love

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