I have vivid dreams. I also have a lot of nightmares. So I have vivid nightmares. This is not something I enjoy.
The other morning I awoke from one of these vivid nightmares after what seemed like 30 minutes of trying to escape from this dream. I’m also a lucid dreamer. I have vivid, lucid nightmares.
When I woke up I thought to myself, “Well today’s going to be a wash,” since it usually takes me the entire day to recover from the vivid, lucid nightmares, especially when they are about him.
This particular dream was one of the staples. I’m in Utah on a visit. I run into him and his wife. He later shows up at my aunt’s house where I am staying and we go for a drive. I apologize for the Nth time for breaking up with him that final time and say that I love him. He says that he still feels the same and that he is going to leave his wife and kid if I’ll have him. Up to this point the dream is emotional and dramatic but not traumatic. That comes next.
Once again, as if it’s the few weeks before his wedding and he is calling me asking me to give him a reason to call it off, I am stuck. The same anxiety and panic fill my body. I am once again overwhelmed by immobilizing fear. I don’t trust him. I can’t commit to him. I love him. I wont love anyone else the way I love him. I don’t want him to forget me. I don’t want him to be with someone else. I don’t want to make room for him in my life here. I don’t want him.
He waits for me to make a choice. I tell him that I don’t think I can give him what he wants. I cry as he gets out of the car. I cry as I drive to my aunt’s house. I cry as I wake myself up.
I never use my lucid dreaming ability to fly, like most people would. It seems that each time I dream this dream I use my lucid dreaming ability to make the same painful choice over and over, a punishment for my previous sins. I’m aware enough to know the reality of the suspended dream state. And the reality is that I don’t want to end up with him. The reality is that time and time again he wasn’t enough for me. The reality is that I’m done breaking things for this boy. Which is a good thing, right?
Then why do I feel so shitty?