I love cats. I know that for a 25 year-old single woman this is a questionable phrase to broadcast. Associated with it are a handful of negative stereotypes conjuring an image of a menace to society: scowling expression, hair in disarray, saggy knit sweater disfigured from non-consensual snuggle sessions with an adult cat’s paws. Sure, there are always a few stray cat hairs on my OOTD and I can’t look at Beth Stern’s Instagram account without wasting at least an hour of productivity mass texting screen shots of foster kittens to annoyed kin. But that isn’t even the worst of it. As I was moving Sophie (aka “Hitty the Kitty,” because of the Hitler mustache) off of my computer for the 3rd time this morning I realized that even the men I choose to like are starting to reflect my preference towards all things feline. This realization, while initially hilarious, became worrisome to me because cats make horrible boyfriends.
Ways the guys I date behave like cats:
The first and most obvious behavioral link between the guys I date and the cats I like is that they are selfish. Cats notoriously don’t have any bothers to give when it comes to your personal feelings. They don’t care that you had a hard day and just need to snuggle to the sound of their purring to make you feel better. They come and go when they feel like it and expect you to drop anything you’re doing at the moment to stroke their fur (or ego) in appreciation for them gracing your presence once again.
In conjunction to the previous point, the guys I date and the cats I like get upset when I get “too clingy.” To Sophie this means that even though she went out of her way to wake me up at 3AM to paw at me for not paying attention to her, she will only allow me to hug her 1.5 times before she runs away meowing “Whoa bro, take it down a notch.” To the guys I date this means that after they have decided to continue communication after up to months of radio silence and I pick back up at a normal pace, they freak out and head back to the hills. Por exemplo…
Them: Hey. What’s up?!
Me: Not much. You?
Me: I started watching Bad Judge. It’s hilarious. I think you would really like Kate Walsh.
Them: *seen at 4:15pm
For the most part the guys I date and the cats I like don’t care about my life. However, the guys I date do get territorial when other men come around. If I’m texting my guy friend then all of a sudden they are up in arms about my textual communication. “Who is Derek? Who is that guy in your Instagram? Why is Derek so funny? Did you date Derek?” Wow, I wasn’t aware that you cared about any of this stuff since you have ignored me repeatedly up until now. Similarly, the only time my overweight and docile Sophie cat behaves like I mean something to her is when my other cat, Mariah Kitty, vies for my attention. Then out of nowhere Sophie is purring too loudly to be healthy for her and rubbing up against me, all the while giving Mariah the stank eye. The minute MC leaves the room Sophie bats my hand away from her tummy and repositions herself on top of my freshly cleaned laundry. SMH.