Impressions I Made on My Last 1st Date

1.    I am obsessed with death.

Seriously every question he asked me I unconsciously answered in my best Debbie Downer impression. “What are you currently reading?” “A collection of Sartre’s essays on death.” “How’s work?” “A patient is struggling with suicidal ideation.” “Your car looks nice and new!” “My last one got totaled in a massive car wreck that I was in a few months ago. I almost died.” I could feel the word vomit coming up but, much like actual vomit, I was powerless to stop it. “What’s your favorite food?” “Anything fried or sugary; I’ll probably die of early-onset diabetes.” Ug.

 2.    I have a persevering eye-tick.

Since it was a 1st date I decided to glam up appropriately. The last time I went to CVS they were out of my preferred fake eyelash glue so I was using a new, experimental brand. My eye makeup looked dazzling to say the least HOWEVER the glue never seemed to dry properly. The resulting effect was that the corner of my eyelid kept sticking to my fake eyelashes. The next thing I knew I was George Costanza.

 3.    I have a resting b*tch face.

While the case could be made that the majority of the time my face is in thiz mode, I promise that I was trying to appear normal on this date. Unfortunately for my best intentions there was this creepy guy seated behind my date at dinner that would pat his seat and blow me a kiss every time I looked over my date’s shoulder. I tried to give him a grossed out look to dissuade him, but apparently that was what the creep liked, because he continued to try to hit on me from afar for the entire meal. The verdict is still out on whether or not my date was a fan. 


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