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We Accept The McDonalds We Think We Deserve

Confession: I am in a relationship with the local McDonalds. When I don’t show up for a few days the staff comments on my absence. Once I tried to give it up for 7 weeks (a story for another time) but our love was too strong that I lasted only a few days. Every time I bring my friends for lunchtime Diet Cokes/Diet Dr Peppers they comment on how McDonalds with me always tastes better and smells better than their regular fast food experience. I tell them its due to unconditional love and assertive communication with the staff. One suggested I write a book on the tricks of ordering at McD for optimal gastronomic pleasure. While I have ample knowledge on just this subject, ain’t nobody got time to write a book these days, so instead here are 3 easy tips to elevate your McDonalds experience to my level.

1.    $1 for 32oz of “the BEST” Diet Coke available.

Probably the best thing to happen to my life since Hugh Grant told me I was attractive. A recent article circulated on the internet explaining why McDonald’s DC is best, accrediting it to the massive demand of soda from the franchise leading to more frequent syrup overturn. All I know it that it is $1 for a large. A LARGE. I had a friend order a medium once at lunch and I looked at her like she requested to be punched in the face. It was ludicrous. “…But it’s the same price for a larger size… it’s not fiscally responsible for you to get anything other than the large!” I yelled at her, outraged. She quickly changed her order.

2.    Special Orders -> Fresher Food

So I’m not going to get into the whole “is it really food material” nonsense because those people are the worst people in the world. Those self-righteous idiots are right up there with people who order at a drive thru like they have never been through a drive thru in their life and the people who abandon litters of kittens on the side of a highway in the list of people who I hate. Okay, so the animal abandoners are the worst people by far but you get the point. I digress. Most people are afraid to make special requests for their food because they think the minimum-waged employees will insert bodily fluids into their nitpicky orders. This is not so, IF you request it in a kind and smiley way. Por exemplo, when you ask for a hamburger with no dehydrated onions, they can’t just give you the premade burger that has been lying under the heating wires for the past hour; they have to make you a new one, and this means that you always get the freshest that they have to offer

3.    Know your Breakfast hours

There is little less devastating in life than arriving at McD filled with cravings for an Egg McMuffin and realizing that breakfast ended 5 minutes ago. McD employees will NOT budge on this time limit. No. Matter. What. They hold all the power and they know it. You have to understand that it’s the little things that count when you work at McDonalds for your main source of income. To bypass having to eat the disappointing sandwich you settle for (no one wants a Big Mac at 10:43 AM) here are the hours that most McDonalds in the US administer breakfast by: 10:30 AM on weekdays, 11:00 AM on weekends. Some locations in Los Angeles County even offer a limited breakfast menu starting at 12 midnight. You’re welcome. 

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