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How To Stay Single Forever

Following college I decided to move to LA to find my soul mate and do the whole grad school thing. After about 10 months of dating in the Los Angeles area I have come to the conclusion that I will be single forever; my mother is equally convinced. I am no expert when it comes to successful relationships but I am getting a good deal of experience regarding remaining single and loveless. Here are my three simple steps to setting yourself up for a life of singledom… It’s not so bad—the SPCA needs more cat ladies.

1. Have your newlywed friends set you up on blind dates.

If you want to be single forever, accept relationship help from people who are blinded by love bliss. As newly crowned victors of the dating game, recently married friends develop an air of superiority over all their single friends. Single individuals lose their identities and fade into the sea of the lonesome; to them, we all look the same. It doesn’t matter if it is your best friend since birth. They will forget all the years of familiarity, preferences, tastes, shared life experiences and they will set you up with ANY OTHER INDIVIDUAL THAT IS SINGLE. “How was the date Cait?” they will ask, assuming that they already know the answer and will be rewarded as Maid of Honor at the wedding. “Um, how did you fail to tell me that the guy was a homeless person?!” I retort. This vagabond was an outspoken scientologist with a pedophile mustache and didn’t believe in higher education. “What were you thinking?” Their answer will always be some variation of the statement of “Uh, you were both single.” If you want to be stuck in a vicious cycle of dead-end dating, rely on your newlywed friends for all dating related material.

2. Date only Fixer-Uppers.

When you have the freedom to date people of your own choosing, choose to only date people that you see as a works-in-progress. These fixer-uppers come in many forms: the bad boy with a good heart (you assume), the commitment phobe, the guy with the opposite worldview, the secret WOW enthusiast. “Challenge accepted!” you exclaim to yourself in a Barney Stinson fashion as you scheme how you will fix that one overbearing thing in order to make him into the man of your liking. You go into it expecting some sort of “She’s All That” makeover movie montage. Who would have thought that by just removing her glasses Freddie Prince Jr. would realize that he should forego his jock rep and give in to his sensitive, intellectual side? What it really looks like is months to years of bickering and unmet expectations during your prime dating years, resulting in wasted time and a newfound hatred for everything relationship-related. “Oh,” you say surprised, “You really were serious about the whole I’m never going to settle down/I hate children thing.” Cut to you meandering down the street in your robe yelling at happy couples. This newfound attitude will help you to stay the course of the old maid. Bonus points for reengaging in the failed relationship after you have given him a few years to “get his act together.”

3. Convince yourself that you will marry a celebrity.

You have successfully wasted days of your life on the Internet stalking People.com to see where the “Stars Are Just Like Us” frequenter Ryan Gosling has appeared in your local area. Feed your delusions by avidly following him on Twitter, buying tickets to press junkets you hope he will attend, or loitering around Disneyland on the off chance that you will intercept him on a date, looking far more fabulous than any supermodel/famous actress that he is entertaining. Yes, I know that he likes to take his dates to Disneyland. Yes, I am fully aware that I have a problem. When despair creeps into your mind after consistent failed attempts at serendipity and your hope begins to falter, watch that video of him stopping a fight in NYC while wearing a tank top to remind you of your misguided convictions. Rinse. Repeat.

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